Saturday, January 11, 2014

Gone Straight, Won't Return Soon

This is one of those moments where I have to stop walking, look around and decide if I am where I meant to end up.

Actually, I don’t need to look hard.  I’m not there.

After my last post it’s actually embarrassing to write this, but look where not writing has gotten me.  Oh wait, nobody knows that part.  Well…

Long story short, I got a new job, pregnant, sick, hospitalized, and nearly broke from having to pay for meds and routine doctor visits out of pocket.  This particular new job offers no insurance for your first 90 days.  However, due to my salary, Medicaid offers no insurance, either.

Top that off with my daughter being hours away with her father until Spring, and no friends in my new town at all.  Stress and generally feeling like I suck took all my creative energy, and now Arissa Writes looks like the apocalypse hit.

Oh, you’ve been paying attention?  Hadn’t I mentioned I fell in love in my last post?  Well, that was months ago, wasn’t it…and this is exactly where the end of this recap finds me. 

Love or none, some things one just doesn’t do.  I did two of them anyway.  I left a place I knew and leapt toward someone I didn’t, somewhere I wasn’t familiar.  Actually, three:  I got pregnant, too.  Those kinds of things can’t be done at the same time, or else you end up crying in your car, nauseous, worried about coming home because there’s nothing for you there but aggravation.  Sleeping in your car seems like a better option than anything.  Shame from poor choices keeps you from reaching out to the few people you have saved to your phone.  And sheer exhaustion keeps you from wanting to reach for some stable ground where the two of you can find peace.

And then when other things hit you, like a financial crisis, you’re about as ready to deal with it as a cracked levy before a storm.

 I can’t do anything about the medical bills that had to be incurred to save my life.  Nor will I be angry that my daughter is not here every day for me to kiss good night. 

But I can do something about the no friends and this particular place being in love has brought me.  Or rather, where I allowed it to take me.

So that is where my focus will be.  I’m not the first one to be in this situation, and do regret shaking my head at the women who came before me.  Everyone has a different circumstance that lead them to where they stand right now, and I thought mine made sense.  So did everyone else.  What a way to fit in with the crowd…

Anyway, yeah, I feel a little crazy right now, and like I belong in a straight jacket.  That’s cool, though.  There’s only one direction you can go when wearing one—straight—and that is exactly what I need to do anyway.