Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Me, Honestly: Day Seven

5/1 -The past three months have been spent in a total funk and it’s time to come out. 
Last night I spent a few hours with an incredible, inspiring friend, who saw something in me worth fighting for.  I hate to say I didn’t think I was worth the trouble, but at that point, I didn’t.
So as I tweeted yesterday, I am spending the next seven days examining my core as a means to move forward.   I’m doing it question by question.
I wrote some stuff I might be okay to answer, then started over.  Then I thought about what I absolutely don’t want to discuss, and that’s what you’ll see below.  I humbly give you Me, Honestly.

Me, Honestly: Day Seven
Will Any of this Make a Difference Tomorrow?

I hear a lot of things when it comes to healing.  “The truth shall set you free.”  “Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”  “Every journey begins with a single step.”   Well, the truth is I feel like I can’t do enough.  I have a problem with where I am and the snail’s pace life seems to move away from this point.  I’m angry with some of the sacrifices I’ve had to make to get to my goals.  Okay, I said it.  Now what?
Tomorrow morning, I’m going to have to ask myself if I’m ready for another day of all this.  I will look ahead, knowing someone at work will get under my skin.  My faith will get tested.  I might get sick.  Will I use what I’ve pulled out of myself this week and get through it, or will I fail?  Will any of this make a difference tomorrow?
When I started this series last week, I was surprised at the static clouding my head,  making it impossible for me to succeed.  No wonder I kept stalling.  I had guilt over past mistakes.  Fear over everything—rent, my daughter, whether the chances I take are worth it—everything. 
I do have a lot to worry about.  In the past, those worries crippled me and kept me from moving forward.  But this time, I’m not worried.  Call it intuition; I believe that’s real.  But my gut tells me I’m doing the right thing.  I’ve never had so much peace in the midst of chaos before.  And the peace comes from knowing two things:  I can do it, and nobody else will.  I need yet another job, so I’m looking.  I want to write, so I’m writing.  I want to touch other people, so I’m doing it here instead of a journal.  I want a better life for my daughter and me, so I’m building one.  Scratch that.  God is building one, with me following the blueprint.
And yes, it will make a difference tomorrow, because I’ve called my fears out for what they are: fears.  And now that I’ve identified some of the monsters in the closet, I can pull their masks off and expose what they really are—a regular problem in a scary costume.  Yeah, my life is more questions than answers right now.  Life sucks when it’s like that.  But however much I think my life sucks, it’s better than the alternative.
I wrote once (yes, I’m quoting myself) that the tragedy is not in death, but life unfinished.  I am still scared.  But I’ll just have to deal with it.  Dammit, I'm going to make this happen.