Sunday, May 5, 2013

Me, Honestly: Day Five

5/1 - The past three months have been spent in a total funk and it’s time to come out. 
Last night I spent a few hours with an incredible, inspiring friend, who saw something in me worth fighting for.  I hate to say I didn’t think I was worth the trouble, but at that point, I didn’t.
So as I tweeted yesterday, I am spending the next seven days examining my core as a means to move forward.   I’m doing it question by question.
I wrote some stuff I might be okay to answer, then started over.  Then I thought about what I absolutely don’t want to discuss, and that’s what you’ll see below.  I humbly give you Me, Honestly.

How do you Sabotage your Progress?
My dreams are big and in-color.  They’re so real that when I wake, I can feel traces of a prince’s kiss on my neck, scents of whatever I was eating in the air.  I must have the power in me to make these dreams come true. 
But somewhere in between waking up in the morning and going to bed at night, I hit roadblocks.  They give me a challenge and I decide I don’t have the energy to defeat them.  Then I retreat.   Years of this mess have left me with a ton of abandoned projects, from home decorating to a screenplay.  I’m serious.  I (sort of) wrote a screenplay.
I hate that I sabotage myself like I’m my worst enemy.  I push the wrong agendas--things I don’t even care about--and then bash myself when things don’t work out.  Meanwhile, what really matters is left untouched.
And in my case, what matters are the bad habits I have to break before I can achieve that success I was talking about a couple days ago.  I say I’m ready for it, but I know I won’t stay successful until this happens. 
You’d think it would be easy to stop doing something that holds you back from something you want more.  Crossing a finish line feels awesome.  Why don’t I do it all the time?  I came across a theory on it once.
I read somewhere that when people cheat on their diets, they tend to blame a lack of willpower.  This is wrong, supposedly.  The theory was that rather than willpower, it’s fear that drives them to eat the things they shouldn’t.  It isn’t the “not eating”, but fear of not wanting to eat, that ruins them.  
When we diet, we have to change our mind sets about what’s good for us.  We will learn to love a new set of foods and eventually won’t crave the other stuff as much.  But that “other stuff” is our crutch.  We don’t want to chance life without it.  And if there’s a middle road, where we can still enjoy it but not as often, that’s not good enough and we don’t want to even think otherwise.  How about that – an addiction to an addiction. 
Yep, that’s me.  And because I’m scared to give it up, I sabotage my progress in life.
My happy place is a quiet spot where I can hide from the world and be alone with my thoughts.  I spent most of my childhood there, since it beat the hell out of reality.  Yeah, my happy place is an awesome crutch.  Only I spent way too much time there, and it keet me from making friends, seeing places and, most importantly, honing my talents.
Couple that with a nasty fear of failure.  It keeps me from doing a lot of things I know in my heart I can do.  Where to begin: getting a Business degree instead of English, staying overweight instead of going to a gym.  Public failure, especially, terrifies me.  That’s why I don’t do karaoke.  As long as there’s a chance that I might not succeed, I stall.  If I do get started, it takes a world of effort.  No, it’s much safer to sit still and at least be in familiar surroundings, however miserable they are.  Call it my comfort zone.  The easiest thing in the world for me is sitting on my couch, sipping my third glass of wine, while I daydream about everything I could be doing, certain that it "would have been epic." 
It has to stop.  To my credit, I’ve done miles of good for myself since the start of this year.  This week of honesty has helped, too.  But there are many miles to go before I sleep again.  Many things to do before I dream up the next list.
It’s funny how I said I’m ready for success, knowing full well what real success will entail.  I need to get my act together quick.  Suppose I put off one more thing until tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes?

Tomorrow:  Why do you Think your Daughter Deserves Better than You?